Sorry for not bloggin'.

I just dont like analysing anymore.
It is what it is.

Things that fill me with fear, uneasity and dread [university] make me not want to even make the effort because they might not deliver.

And it really is weird, but strangely pro-active, for me to be practising my writing as if there is an audience. I guess that's what all writing is at the end of the day, and I cant imagine what form writing would take if you wrote without an intended/imagined receiver.

I reckon i'd just feel there was no point, but maybe I should try it. Find value in things just for me, rather than trying to deliver to others all the time.

My freak inability to draw has now transfetred itself over to this blog, where i'm afraid to write anything in fear that it wont be of any value to me, or anyone else, or as great as I would like it to be, or as useful and 'door-opening' as I would love it to be.

I guess i'm facing a situation where I wont know unless I try it, which I should apply to the course, but even that doesn't seem to be driving me.

But i'm trying this, aren't I? There's more to come.

You're so money

Had no idea how captivating and potentially useful watching the end 10 of The Break Up was going to be.
Smiles.

Mae I borrow

I'm gonna wake up every morning and make it mine.

Teacher!

I have an amazing ability to help everyone but myself.

I'm going to be pretty told off/ignored tomorrow. And I guess I deserve it!
Hest of the moment. To some extent I still agree with it, but would I if I was happy here? I guess not really. Which is something pretty big I need to accept for all this to ever work.

I have no right to be angry. Though, this needs to be a balance as i've kept saying. At the moment my bum is high above the ground.
Right?

Interpret that!

Guy

16/11/2009
22:59:52
Jack
Joseph
tbh I havent blogged in a while
16/11/2009
22:59:59
Joseph
Jack
do it
16/11/2009
23:00:08
Joseph
Jack
always a thought provoking read
16/11/2009
23:00:30
Joseph
Jack
alternatively
16/11/2009
23:00:42
Joseph
Jack
put your emotional state into penning some great lines for the film
16/11/2009
23:00:49
Jack
Joseph
or artwork
16/11/2009
23:00:56
Joseph
Jack
yawn

A bullet point.

That weird thing where you see a name written down and it carries with it all the weight, good and bad, of the person themselves. You sit thinking of the person all via seeing the name written in front of you. But people change, as do your emotions, and thus the names change too back to literal text that engages your sight only. It's odd but suddenly 'X' no longer resonates with you, and is just another name in the library of your relationships. You've learnt to access the person simply through physically being with them, rather than 'seeing' them, incorrectly, through your own thought and over analysis. Again, this can be good and bad. It can excite you and many enjoy dwelling upon these positive thoughts about the person. For me, it's gotten pretty paralysing. A constant reminder that whilst you've been getting on with your day and reckoning you've made a pretty good go of it [which is another point - why am I analysing my days to ensure that they've been alright for memories and comparison to others?], suddenly a name appears in front of you. In all your analysis, and more so in your over analysis, it reminds you that they've been living too, without you, and you cant help but feel that they have had a much better time than you.

What's in a name? A lot of emotional baggage.

The vast approach to Midnight

What a lovely treat new music is.

Things to look foward to:

The Winter of Mixed Drinks
Seeing this very band in the New Year
Getting into/perhaps seeing Jetpacks [Conductor live, mannnnn]
Further delving deeper into the new Dashboard [and anticipating Wire Tapes Vol. 2, and the NFG/Dash split record]
McFly new album, Jack's Man new alb, Person L new alb, TSL reforming, SoCo reforming too
Radical Face to play with
The continued efforts of Mae which never fall flat
Acoustic La Roux cover
Doing some singing of my own and finally, finally learning to play.

I love how Frightened Rabbit have changed everything. I love what they mean. I love how I found them unexpectedly, and didn't ever expect them to become such a significant thing for me. I love to remember having their MySpace page playing away whilst You came over, and slowly discovering the meaning, at least for me, and us, of Good Arms vs. Bad Arms, and what it represents, as we drove around. I love to drive fast to The Modern Leper and Fast Blood, and dance to The Twist and Old Old Fashioned. I love that finally i've given Joe something back via this band, and that I like to think it probably makes up for everything he's sent my way. I love how they've solidified my love for all things Scot, and have led to other bands as a result. They've provided the soundtrack to this past year so fittingly. It's a shame we couldn't have tied everything up by seeing them tonight, but then i love how we'll have a whole new record when we do finally see them next year. I love the new single too, which can only make me even more positive for Mixed Drinks, and thus am a happy man tonight.
If a little gay, going by this post.

Whilst walking past Aardman

Just to record the idea, not to really explore it anymore than I have already in my own head.
I'm sure I will revisit it, but only when it starts to feel legitimate again. It has the potential to all be inaccurate.

- The idea that this was meant to be the start of everything for me;
- That I hadn't really found myself with everything leading up to this new challenge, but had begun to explore just who I am and what makes me happy this past year and would then use this rolling ball to tackle this next stage and really come into my own. I honestly anticipated this.
- That this past year was simply the prologue to the rest of my near future.
- That I would immeadiately find my place in the world of drawing again and hold no regrets.
- That it was not going to be anything like it has been. Again, sincerely believed this. I had no reason not to.

X [For you]

The Moshuns

If this is chemical oh
If this is chemical oh
If this is chemical oh
If this is chemical

keeps me going.

K?

The more people I talk to, the greater the chance that nugget of advice that will change everything for me will be conjured.
Is my reasoning.

[ : ]

Just thinking about how I reckon a book about my life could be as entertaining, if not more, than any of the books about celebrities that flood the shelves every week. Why must the person be famous for someone to be able to invest interest into the autobiography? I guess it's because you could find some kind of comfort in the celebrity factor, allowing you to genuinely believe it all as true. Someone you dont know who writes a book isn't necessarily going to write a work of fiction, but it seems because they are unfamiliar to you, it certainly feels that way. It could def be as interesting and worthwhile to read. I just dont get how knowing this person exists for definite [without actually truly knowing them] and being able to see them all the time in their line of work makes their stories more captivating and worthy of your time and also, more legitimate!

I guess what i'm saying is if I wrote a book about my life so far, minus the celeb factor, it should have everything to be as interesting and entertaining as Richard Hammond's autobiography,

Fact

Single-worded degrees sound much better.

GCSE Science and Joe Jones battles, to name but a few

"I read your blog, and it doesn't make any sense."

Oh, you crazy German, Chris.

Revealing

Dont go to Birmingham.
Things go missing in Birmingham.
Important things.

Joke Cullis

It's got to the stage where I cant even trust my own mind anymore. I think that i'd like to be a filmmaker, but worry that it's too idealistic. I'm not sure if this feeling is that feeling you get when you realise what you want to be, or just like a child saying they want to be a footballer or Leona Lewis when they grow up...that is how unsure of myself I have gotten.
Am I still the kid, or am I a mature adult, making informed decisions and going with their instinct; if it feels right, I should just pursue it, yeah?
I'm asking myself to find something else to follow, knowing I will always have this film passion to fall back on. But that's just it: is it just a passion? I am incapable of determining what aspects of my personality and interests should be kept as just that, interests, and which should be pursued as potential careers where I could realise my potential and be happy. I guess the ultimate feeling of success is doing your hobby for a living. Which for me then would be getting a wage for sitting round and debating every single move I make, however small or magnificent, the way it's going at the moment.
Philosophy maybe?
Judge me, I need opinions if i'm going to get anywhere.

Brothers Loom

Brothers Bloom better bloody deliver.

Why are you home?

Yeah, so why are you home?

For kicks.
It's not even home anymore.

Smiles away

Everything's changed.
I was happy, but not correctly. And I knew I was making the mistakes, but didn't do anything about them as it didn't feel like I needed to - I was happy, comfortable and enjoying my life for once - why did I need to question that? For times like right now, that's why. I guess I never acknowledged that that part of my life would come to an end, and thus did not prepare myself with a solution, nor mentally brace myself for the worst.

And now i'm suffering because of it. This is really bad. It's made everything into one big faceless problem, which seems completely unapproachable.
What do I do?
Do I pull a Tom Oak [such an obscure reference, apologies]? Do I stick it out? Forget the girl for a second, still what do I do? I need to make a decision for me, as i'd still be in this mess even if things were good otherwise. But maybe not?

It's brought everything into question. I'm not too strong in the first place, imagine just how this has taken me down. Which is what it has literally done.

Now, the filmic side of me expects a montage to come soon of me re-assembling my life, getting back on track, all to the tune of an upbeat, high energy and optimistic song. Which I guess is what's happened being at home these few days. I've had 2 very important and useful conversations with 2 very important and useful people.
The realistic side of me, however, hardly expects that to happen. I need to smash my mindset and re-assemble that before anything can get better, and I just dont know how.

Cut to: today. It's been horrible again. The more I think about what I should be doing, the less I end up doing anything. My creative mojo has gone. Everything i'm praised to being has disappeared, so dont hold me in to high regard, folks. I'm pretty rubb' these days.
I'm struggling to see the point in most things, and am completely overwhelmed by nostalgia.
A lovely word. It's the word-equivalent of a femme-fatale, strutting around in heels and some form of animal draped around her body.

So what do I do? This feels like a major point in my life. It could be a turning point, one that could go either way. This could revitalise me, or destroy me.
The jury's out on that one.

Drag Me To Hell

Maybe i'm a terrible person, but sometimes it's really hard to take suggestions of how 'it could be worse' from people, because although that is definitely the case, it's completely unavoidable at any stage of your life, and if you let that get you down, then you truly will not get anywhere. It doesn't change the fact that you're still in your mess of a situation, and that it still needs sorting out, even if you are looking at it from a different viewpoint. Yes, there'll always be people worse off than you, but without ever knowing the reality of those situations, I think that being consumed in depression by your own messy situation is certainly valid and acceptable. It is not until you experience this 'could be worse' for yourself that you can then look upon a 'lesser' problem more positively and approach it more effectively, as then yes, it could be worse. You know that for a fact.

Dashboard Confessional, Something Corporate, Jack's Mannequin, McFly, New Found Glory, Panic at the Disco

The Shins, The Starting Line, Dashboard Confessional, Death Cab For Cutie

Panic at the Disco, Death Cab For Cutie, Jack's Mannequin

Mae, Death Cab For Cutie, Person L, New Found Glory

Frightened Rabbit, Johnny Flynn and the Sussex Wit, Mumford & Sons, Dashboard Confessional, Noah and the Whale

2006-2009.

Honest to blog, I forgot to blog. Blog me.

Yeah, I guess I just didn't realise I had a 500 Days of Summer on my hands all over again.
All flippin' over again.

Oh boy. You'll know soon enough.

Blazing Saddles

I'm sitting in a Cypriot bar, watching the game and thinking I need to redo my bloody team. Keane! Reina! Why didn't Berbs score?
Man alive. I love this game.

Gone fishing.

I'm off. For:

a new outlook
a reluctant tan
fantastic ideas for this project
family and memories
more Mumford, different setting
time away from my head
a long enough period of time so it's lovely to come home.

I'll see you, old JC.

A love letter to Grove more than anything [in a way]

We tore it up big styly today, the lads.
The kind of shapes we were throwing and moves we were cutting, the town centre must have not known what had hit it.
And with the tip of a newly acquired trendy hat, we were gone.

Mumford blasting at even above the special 13 volumes both geared us up for what was to come, our war cry as we shot behind enemy lines and some offered up tales of times they had foiund themselves behind their own enemy lines with their trousers down, and too offered a platform from which we could celebrate the boldness and courage displayed deep within incomprehensible regions of TK Maxx on the journey home.

I honestly have no idea what i'm doing.
I told myself I was going to blog about the weather and now have achieved not nearly anything close. Basically a concept I had I wanted to discuss, some crap like when it's sunny I feel like i'm wasting time even when i'm busy, but when it's raining time seems to stand for a period, the development of the day and indeed our shared lives and existence protected under cover of rain and cloud - creating the sensation of never really feeling I need to do anything for quite some time. And as it may seem understandable now, I really like the rainy days.
I hear it's gonna be pretty sunny the next few weeks. I'll be away in sunny Cyprus too, meaning i'm effectively serving a double sentence of inevitable 'time wasting'. Not because I wont be doing anything, but simply that i'll always feel I could be doing so much more.
I'm going to bloody try never to get to that point - writing portions of the elusive script whilst i'm away [we now have the story complete, done and dusted and all loose ends tied save one extremely key and delicious end so loose that by the end you'll want to stay for the sequel - where i'm sure we would have been able to secure much better and thus less attractive actors for such] and pondering just how I will approach this frustratingly late-issued 'summer' project. No doubt will the two go hand in hand, i'm pretty excited about the opportunity of kicking off my university career as an illustrator right away working within the ideas and approaches I wish to develop from.

When I get back, as Kirsten put it once, 'Summer is over, school is starting', and summer'll be over. Usually by the end of the summer i've been able to come round to the idea of it, but I am by no means unhappy to see the arrival of Autumn and contently bid farewell to what has been undoubtedly [pick any of them] an anti-climactic break. Autumn arguably brings even 'nicer' weather and even 'nicer' vistas to dwell upon, so dont let it get you down. It even provides you with a whiff of Christmas in the air, my favourite time of the year; for me it's like the whole Sept-Dec period is alllllll build up to late December. I'm pretty excited for all this change. And being able to wear layers again, making the most of all these clothes we buy. Reckon i'll splash out on a coat this year.
And buy one.
Wheeeyy.

Much like the summer, this blog is fading to an Autumnal state. Could it mean much more beautiful entries are on their way as the year matures, or will they fall further from the peak I may or may not have already set, midsummer, as we begin the slow crawl towards the end of the year and, almost as soon as it is lost, the golden age of blogging, the summer, is all people talk about for the next 6 months?

I really couldn't tell you. I hope I can give it more purpose as I look to enrich my own life with much more in September. Hopefully I can start to share pretty regularly more useful ideas and thoughts, as well as my own work, hopefully through a fresh outlook once again, updating this weary, near 2 years old faulty one.

I mean, this has been a crazy entry guys. It hasnt gone even near what I thought it would have been, which was essentially just a means for me to write something, press publish and then revel in seeing words i've typed all over the internet, saved forever. For now, i'll leave it as it stands.

And dont worry, if you're not hooked and teased for what could come next, the ending for the film is much, much cleverer and superior to my writing here, so dont let it put you off slapping down your hard earned cash and coming to see our film.
Save that for our terrible acting and self-indulgence that will be discussed to no-end i'm sure in all the reviews.

Hopefully that can be one of the things Chen doesn't really grasp.

I know a few things.
One being I know I never want that Monday-morning-feeling with whatever I end up doing.

It started feeling like October

The 'bers are coming.

Paperheart

I think i'm gonna get the Mexican Beach Salad. Wanna say that to the waiter. He'll look at me and think, "oh...this guy gets around."

Let's all go hide in some horrible Swedish film.

Cargo Collective

Jack is an illustrative artist currently working in Oxfordshire. Later this year he will be moving to Bristol to begin both an art degree and a long-overdue state of maturity.

Inspired by an ongoing interest in Biology and fascinated by the elaborate construction of the world, Jack sees the potential for everyday life to inspire by 'looking closer'. He utilises the cinematic potential for depicting the ordinary, providing often static scenes with a hyper-realistic atmosphere and captivating narrative. Jack produces work heavily influenced by the art of film and, equally, to inspire cinematic endeavours.

He offers a unique style honed from mostly dramatic drawing to engage all consumers of visual imagery. His 'eye' is wide, examining depth/atmosphere of location and the characters within; also intricate/intense, studying aspects of life's complexity and capturing 'true' detail.

500 Days of Bummer

I will take wholesale pleasure from writing one of the most embarassing moments of my young life into a film. We'll need to get the characters into an art room. And we'll need the guy to be hopeless.

The village that made a film.

This move to make a film so beautifully handcrafted and personal, by the community, for the community, will both inspire and pave the way for younger people like me, cutting our teeth as we move closer to being able to bring our own personal stories to life through film. I'm willing to lend my hand to the production, whether it be on or off screen. I'm pretty handy with a pencil in case any form of artwork is required. Anything thrown at me would leave me so grateful for such an opportunity, and it'd be really amazing to work hard and contribute towards what will undoubtedly be a fantastic final product.

The Psychology of Dream Analysis

Sitting, gazing unbrokenly out of my window at the sun rise, making up words, watching Amelie, it seems the perfect time to reflect on life and force out a blog. But i've found that I definitely need to have something resolved for myself through my writing here, and that I cant just sit and type whenever, and that I really never have anything trully significant to say. Sitting here thinking about how i'm strangely lacking that urge to blog inspired me to blog about how I really have nothing to blog about. So i'm sure you're pleased you tuned in. I dont seem to have a million things shooting around my head [apart from the French of the film, making it incredibly hard to concentrate] that I need to make sense of, nor do I feel I need to list the reasons from today why i'm upset or unfortunate or so wonderfully deep and insightful you'll wish you knew the real me. There's really not a lot to learn tonight. There's really not a lot for me to say. Maybe it's the time of day. I feel so undisturbed and unspoilt. Maybe that's it completely - my ongoing fisticuffs with a life I just cant settle into or be happy with only rejuvenates when I try to make a go of it. Whereas now i'm just happily sitting, gazing, and not even thinking. I dont even regret this blog, as I thought I might when I jumped on to post it earlier, fearing it would just be a "here's a blog for no reason" kind of jam. Just feels like i'm sort of alright at the moment with some stuff, something I almost never say due to my ridiculous obsession with what could be called karma. I just see it as everything eventually evening out. Tending to never create or pursue a situation where life could tip the other way for me with too much of a good thing, i've comfortably accepted that as my position here. Good things find me, and you better believe I hold on to them with both hands, but not as many as i'd perhaps like to entertain. Risks. Risk taking is the key.

I wont read back but I imagine it makes very little sense, and doesnt even flow from thought to thought. Pretty sure my ending point was a respectful [yet failing] attempt to give this entry some purpose and significance. Think i'm just dancing around the idea of being happy, and being able to own that. It's pretty ridiculous really. Maybe, however, excluding those last few sentiments, this has meant something to someone. And most importantly, i'm rather happy I decided to do this in the end, meaning it must have done something for me.
And that's a roundabout way of saying I write with a smile on my face.

http://www.vimeo.com/1559454

Le Blog

Films to watch to get me in the mood for Paris this week?

Chocolat
Amelie
An American Werewolf in Paris
The Bourne trilogy
Team America
Ratatouille
Before Sunset
Two Days in Paris
The Da Vinci Code
The Aristocats
Hotel Chevalier
Marie Antoinette [the city'll be just like this]
Paris Je T'aime

I'm gonna need to get Dave Tay onto this one..

Angela
One Night in Paris

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Films_set_in_Paris

Evening planned.

The red tee

Suddenly makes it a bit better.
Switzerland would be crazy but maybe it's exactly what I need. I've always wanted to go. I could bunk with Lewis and his Doll.

Titleless

Imagine yourself being bored.
Imagine having that feeling since June last year.
= My year.

This covers this and 2 down.

AND AND

I dont like the fact I forgot to title the blog below the previous one. It's never happened before.
I think i've sufficiently made up for it.

Tell your friends about my fantastic witticisms and observations and deconstruction of society's framework and relevance that can all be found, here, at www.jackcullis.blogspot.com.

And yeah, I get that what just happened here is ridiculous. It's like advertising a tv channel when you're on the channel already. I was watching some sky channel and there was this advert for upgrading to sky and I was like what this has to be the most ridiculous thing i've ever seen why would you need to advertise that where the only people actually seeing the advert would have already got sky already.

Seeeeee.

Still here?

AND

Trying to blog listening to podcasts where it's just loads of people talking makes it reallllllly hard to blog. Might need to start doing my bloggin' from the boggin'.

And I will try my very best to complete Assassin's Creed this eve, and then will start work on Metal Gear 4. Probs will be hitting up some Skate 2 alongside this, I forgot I even bought that game. Then that just leaves Call of Duty 4, Virtua Tennis and Little Big Planet. And obvs Fifa is an ongoing thing.

Kayte, i'll fit you in, dont worry. Pick some games you want to be sandwiched between.

Metaphosaurus.

I must be crazy to be about to start work on kicking off a potential career in the industries of creative concepts and practice. It's like having an idea/creation that you then have to pitch into the maaaaaaaaaaaasive ocean. You then have to sit, hungry, thirsty and shoeless on the sand as you stare out to the horizon, hoping someone in a lovely boat comes across your message in a bottle, and comes to save you, recognising your work as something positive. And not only that, but the captain needs to somehow either coincidentally dodge the infinite number of other bottles filled with the likelym exact same fantastic blend of creativite juices and on par ideas [anyone really can sit on a beach these days and whip their bottle of greatness into the blue, regardless of what they do or who they are], or find a way to sieve cautiously through the near-identical bottles of 'save me's [like the end of Titanic, careful not to hit anything decent/alive] to pick that which is most eligible for saving. You could easily be sitting on the sand for a very long time, and yeah occassionally a dinghy rolls over, but you realise before its too late that its not enough to get you back to civilisation as you sit sinking, and you swim back to shore to rewrite you message and try again. You might not even receive any kind of help. But you just might see that steamboat on the horizon chugging towards you. It's not an ocean liner, but it's enough to get you off the sand and cool your feet, even for a bit. I think we all get one rescue, and when it comes, it'll be up to me not to fall overboard. The key is to get the message right, which I understand is pretty difficult. But there'll always be an audience for a great idea. I cant keep throwing the same old bottles in for my whole life. I need to now start working hard on creating something valid for today, making sure my message is written well enough that it will be noticed and engaged with and upon with taken a chance, as I think I cant just rely on those in the ocean to do the work in finding me. I will need to find them. And if i'm really thirsty, I think there's every chance I can do this.

Facey post.

I love going through phases of smearing my presence all over Facebook's face.

A one hat kind of guy.

Welllllll, it's been another great day.

Weather wise.

Wowweeee

Nokia 5800.

For kicks

And for sale.

Oh, i'm retired

I invented dice when I was a kid.

Dusty CD

We should all try to make a life for ourselves that feels like the experience of listening to Catalyst by the New Found Glory boys, I reckon, namely the guitar in Truth of my Youth.

Day 1

The daily diary thing the guy writes in Into The Wild might not be a bad idea. Your days should be things that you could 'title', with at least one key thing happening so you could almost say 'that day was the day...' when looking back. And I guess the point of such a life would be to avoid ever having 2 of the same titles, and moreover, never being able to title a particular day at all.

Lonesome Jim

I guess I just dont understand why I can be watching a film and will with everything I have a character to try and make themselves happy and get what they want, but then have next to no motivation to do such for myself.

Joe, i'm watching this film, and it's shot all on DV cameras. We could easily make something on the cheap. Literally all we need is a script. We can act. Just need the girl. Got a wig?

Also, i'm keen to shift some of my work, so hit me with some requests for old pieces/new pieces I could do if you're keen.

Possibly the greatest dull blog ever?
I cant even come up with a good sign off!
My phone's ringing.

" "

Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.

Tesco Application Form

For about a year i've done nothing!
Time to start doing something?

Probably a more insightful schmlog later onnnnn.

Friday Night Lights

Commission me, please.

Jenga

Summer?

Anna?

Seth!!

...holy awkward.

Elephant

# 19

Hi. How are you?

I haven't done this for a while, and having just suddenly remembered that this was becoming sort of a good daily exercise for me, I thought i'd quickly jump on and try to get some stuff out before I fell deeper into the classic blog-free lifestyle I had reaquainted with. 'Blog-schmog' i'd cry, if this post had not been inspired by the tortured existence fate has handed me, and my stupid little life.

Ok, so I may be running out of ideas and just trying to re-tell the cliched blogisms now an amalgamated internet history of whines and diatribes of an incredibly unimportant, insignificant collective when you think about it, with false ideas of an audience whose ears are found so close to the doors of their souls. I'm doing it again. But it's amazing to think that on this even more amazing creation, one that has touched the lives of such a massive percentage of those alive or recently dead, the internet, lies an ever-increasing stockpile of, to the authors, the most revolutionary and momentous notions and statements ever captured and declared [probably full of trigger happy writers when it came to their use of commas]. When it comes down to it, all this crap isn’t really the most significant stuff you could ever read, no matter what the writers think, or even regardless of the quality of the material itself. First of all, who’s to say what is important and what isn’t? One man’s Godfather is another man’s The Mummy 3: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. But my chief point was that it doesn’t matter how great what these individuals are saying is, simply because it cannot possibly reach enough of a widespread audience to even make a difference. Sure, they’ll be some people listening. But how much time would you give yourself to listen to a complete stranger? And more importantly, in this medium, it’s so rare you’d come across one you’d decide to follow and see how its ideas evolve over another. And another thought I’ve had is that those people lucky enough to have some followers, they’re most likely people the authors know already in real life, and so have probably heard a lot of these ideas beforehand anyway. We, myself included of course, seem to think that everything we type, swiftly locked in the vault of the internet, can and will reach the masses, as that is our original intention for writing, no? We seem to think that only we can deliver to the everyday member of our planet’s huge population these ideas, and moreover, that they are better off for them. At the end of the day, we’re all human. Which I feel means we all pretty much have the same experiences and feelings as result of slightly different situations. So basically, everyone has the same ideas. What I’m saying, it’s been thought before, is being thought of now and will probably continue to strike many others in deep thought in the future. These are all my opinions, of course. But I doubt there are nearly enough people reading to kick off about it.

A whole mass of supposed genius is effectively lost to the endless and ever-growing archives of the www. Quite a depressing thought really. All of these hand crafted streams of wisdom and enormity more often than not forgotten just as soon as they bloom. All of this evidence of existence of the lives of so many never really hits home to the extent that it is acknowledged. It’s like there’s this whole crowd of people crying out, and no one’s listening. Perhaps it’s a shared cry, but who’s to deny anyone their right to reach out? Even if I see a lot of what is written as redundant, repetitive and recycled [not excluding anything I have ever, or will ever, say], it all means something to someone. And as I have said, because we all live such different lives in terms of the way they play out in the day to day, there might be an aspect to a specific thought another person has had and has shared that, whilst overlooked by many, really hits hard for even one individual.Surely that makes all the difference. Someone’s listening.

The possibilities for that make this a worthwhile exercise. I do try my best not to get too involved with how I am writing about what I am feeling, meaning that I want this blog to retain focus on the ideas and feelings I have themselves, not my ability to sophisticatedly/interestingly/entertainingly write about them. I think I use this to just try to work out some of what’s going on in my head in a physical way, so to provide me with clearer thought/vision. It’s much more a stream of consciousness than anything else. How it reads is pretty much straight from my head. I see it as aspects of my reality captured so to live forever, almost. Maybe it’s my inability to deal with the fact this’ll all end soon. Maybe I’m just trying to finally put some stuff to bed so I can get on with my day, and more importantly, my life. But, maybe I do this as there is every chance someone’s listening, and that I am doing everything I feel I can at the moment to make a difference. I don’t do this to create a persona for myself that is not recognized in reality. I don’t do this to come off as an all-knowing, oh-so significant thinker of my generation, where I feel everything I say has to be told, and moreover, accepted and learnt from. But, maybe I do do this to try and convince myself that I am of more significance than I personally rate myself as, but only in terms of my own life, not with regards to those of others. Maybe it doesn’t matter that so many others potentially share what I feel, as it is what I feel. It is mine. We shouldn’t have to strive to only create that which is original and thus significant, as everything a person feels is significant, as it is important to them – and they have created it. Surely that’s the only thing we should measure what we think and feel by?

In which case, every single captured notion we come across is as significant as any other. I think it’s very rarely that a ‘blogger’ uses this medium to generate false superiority for them in terms of how others perceive them. It just people like myself that feel they have something valid and constructive to say. It may help one person, but that is all that matters. And we can’t judge that. We can’t stop that. I think such entries are more for the writers’ benefits than anyone else, to aid them in getting through such a complicated existence and being. I guess what I am doing is trying to justify why I do this, but, again, I don’t need to. It has value for me and that is all that matters.

This has all stemmed from thinking today about how I tend to always dress up everything I live through and feel as so much more dramatic than it is, and in addition, twist it into something so far from what I want from my life so that I am constantly disappointed and unfulfilled. Always looking over the fence for what I could have for myself. Maybe I try to create this dramatic history for myself so that I have something to look back on and drive myself to everything I want to achieve. Maybe I do that to make more of something than what it was, to convince myself that I am truly living. I think that I just don’t let myself ever feel happy as then it’s like I’ve got everything I need, I’ve achieved the goal of life and so there’s nothing left. The infinite possibility of life scares me; I feel that there’s so much I could achieve that I cant ever settle for a moment, enjoy what I have and simply make peace with that which I don’t, just accept the decisions I’ve made and where I am. It’s just hit me that life’s as much about finding that which makes you truly happy as it is about holding onto it with both hands. As it turns out, I am perfectly happy. That’s not to stop me going out there to try and get the things I want to generate further happiness and fulfillment, but it’s also something I should not avoid. I should dwell in it, relish it, savour it before it’s too late. Things will come in the future, I’m sure, but I shouldn’t let that trouble me. “I just wish you wouldn’t beat yourself up about irrelevant stuff,” someone told me tonight. I wish I wouldn’t too. I shouldn’t get annoyed about that I do not have.
And the more I think about it, the more I write now, or could write in the future, the more I long for real life. For human interaction. To no longer analyse my life, and what I don’t have, but to enjoy that which I am lucky enough to have. To ‘live’ my happiness, not downplay it as the prelude to everything I could have or plot how to make it more significant than it is. We blog for ourselves, but that shouldn’t be it. If no one is really listening, you should get out there and damn make sure they do. I intend to. By that I mean take stock of what you have, and I bet you find you are perfectly happy. We do this by living our lives, interacting with our surroundings of society and nature, helping out where we can in anyway we can, and generally doing our darndest to ensure the happiness of others too.
There’s only so much you can do from your computer.

Crazy!

I know.

I know!

Late Night Sauna.

Lottery film idea.
Bus film idea.
Finish drawing.
New journal.
Call Bristol.
Train ticket.
Nokia 5800.
Present.
New jobbo.
Cornerstone, and
Art work for sale.

Good luck to the girls.

Please forgive this.

Grins

Okay, so I just really want to say that Sleeping Lessons by The Shins makes me feel like I should be doing something amazing and life-changing with my time. So if I keep listening to it, I should be alright I reckon.

I was maybe going to post a drawing i'm working on atm, but i've decided I want to show it in its finished glory. So for now, i'll post thisssss:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsD0NpFSADM

Oh, and mention that Rian Johnson spoke directly to meeeeee!
I'm basically his friend nahhhhhh'.

You're never too old to go to space camp.

Sun Whose Rays Are All Ablaze

Hard to Find.

With the idea of the letter being written sometime during the duration of the night, as the story unfolds, rather than beforehand, we just might have not only a fantastic set up for the ending, but a movie. The only thing left to do is to start writing. Joe?

J is for Arrogance

Two things i've thought about tonight.
Well, they came to mind. And I thought i'd save analysing them 'til I got onto here.

The first could be the very thing that'll drive me to where I want to be, doing what I want to be doing, which is being successful in the field of arts and entertainment. Now, i'm careful not to say that I want to become 'famous' or a household name as I trully do not. I simply would like to work in this field which is by its nature very consumer/audience driven, with film in particular carrying people that are well-recognised for their endeavors. I guess my point here was if I ever got to a place where I was creating things for the public eye, my name may be known. Now I understand this is completely self-indulgent and arrogant, but that is surely what blogging is all about. And it's what im all about too, so it fits. This all comes from me working on commissioned drawings etc. for people that'll end up with a 'Jack Cullis' piece of work, a name that doesn't mean much right now. I just think the idea of someone like that recognising my name from something I might do in the future and realising its the same person that did that little drawing they've kept from back in the way back is something that could really drive me to try my very best to get to where I want to be. Maybe that sentence makes no sense, this is simply a thought I had that i'm now realising is hard to write about and is only making me come off as an egotistical, conceited bastard. But I think the idea of getting to a place where you're successful enough in the media for people you used to know/came into contact with at some point recognising your name and seeing where you've got to would excite anyone really. I think it’s all to do with my wanting to leave my mark on this world in my the very little time I have to do so. People can do it in many ways. Maybe I will eventually get to do the more important influential things you read about all the time, but whilst I remain a coward this seems to be an almost feasible means for me to let people know I was here. I guess it sounds like I want to get one over people I currently know now that I may potentially lose contact with some time or another, but it's really not that. In such cases, these people will be referenced in my movies. And hopefully they’ll realize.
That’s a joke! I’m a nice guy, I swear.

I really am an arrogant bastard for someone who’s done so little with his life so far. Or maybe I’m just trying to sound cool where I would otherwise not be able to i.e. outside of this blog. I’m pushing it even within the realm of this pathetic platform. But it’s all I’ve got, so entertain me for the duration of this entry.

[obligatory cheeky reference to Kayte can be found here, Kayte]

I’ve actually taken a massive break between getting that first point out and starting to make this second one. And they’re not really ‘points’, just thoughts I wanted to share, but mostly done for my own benefit, throwing them out there and contemplating them as physical ideas in front of me – they seem easier to tackle this way, and it really feels like I’m cleaning out my head of all the dramatic, significant and magnificent things I think about all day. This way I can get back to doing nothing, really. But I guess my point here [and it is a point in this case] is that during this break I made a phone call and continued to chat about all my stuff [albeit much more juvenile in orientation and thus hilarious]. Even after that I feel refreshed having chatted about myself in some way or another, which is a horrible notion – that I need to go on and on about things that are perhaps only interesting to me in order to get by – but it seems to do me well. I think I just like the idea that there’s someone listening, that I’m leaving my mark somehow, on even just one person. I think I’m just terrified of being engulfed by the infinite nature of our world, not knowing how I could possibly find significance for myself, not only in my eyes but those of others too. I guess it’s why I’m such an audience guy, why I get a kick out of making people laugh or being recognized as to have created something positive. It’s quiet arrogance. Polite arrogance. Arrogance that may actually force positive things in how it needs to be satisfied. Or maybe this is arrogant, dressing up my arrogance? Maybe I need a new word?

The idea I was trying to get across in the above was simply that I don’t even feel like I need to go on and on about the mysterious ‘2nd thought’ that I have previously teed up. I had planned to jump straight into it following the first, as they seemed to nicely link. But it’s like I’m satisfied with the extent of my self-indulgence [thesaurus needed, please] and self-pity that I’m cool not shouting about it i.e. there’s enough here for you lot to be getting on with!

It was just going to be about the idea of being in a creative field and being famous, whether you are a filmmaker who aims to tell original, true-to-life stories or a musician trying to write music that the everyday person can relate to etc, and how it wouldn’t really work once you became a massive household name. You can no longer live a ‘normal’ everyday life nor experience the world in a manner your audience does, so can no longer create anything that could be accessible to them. It’s my opinion, and I guess I’m saying if it were me I’d just be creating for a hypothetical audience’s reaction, but I cant believe that that’s not a big part of it for these people. Which brings me right back to the start of this whole thing, with me defending my desire to not become ‘famous’.

But fame can come from anywhere, not just within the entertainment industry. And for example, if I ever made a revolutionary, influential and relevant scientific discovery that broke the very foundations of what we once understood of the world, I’d want a bloody pat on the back.
I’ll probably see how far making the funnies goes for now though.

Sounds good. And. This compared with a few nights ago. I way prefer it. Simpler. More focussed.

I'm afraid I just Bloomed myself.

I'm getting somewhere. Will probs go to Ox to buy some new shoes tomorrow, Joe's written something, and I have officially seen some of Bloom. It might only be it's opening, but it's damn interesting and i'm going to count it. Forget Wes Anderson, this is Rian Johnson.

My list of films to see and buy this year keeps getting longer. 500 Days of Summer really looks amazing; if I got into the business of making films like itself for the rest of my life, i'd be extremely happy. Not your all-out romcom, not your all-out indie quirk-fest with unconventionality on the side, it seems to sit nicely and comfortably some place in the middle. I think i'd like to write such stories, create such characters, using them to perhaps revisit some of the mistakes i've made in my own life. Or, to take moments directly from experience and be able to score them or soundtrack them exactly how I have imagined since. I'm real keen on the off-beat romcom, where it is romantic and it is funny, but it's just not so easy to swallow, you dont know who to back, and where you really have no idea where it could go. I guess I have more to say but i'm not too set in mind about anything yet. All I strive for is for what is now a hazy vision of a romantic, off-beat, quirky-but-not-too-much, comical, captivating, dramatic, excellent-looking-and-sounding, stylsed, from-life, charming, thought-provoking, long-living film. I'll use that list as the working title. Me and my mannn already have a few ideas we're batting around so maybe there's more to come of this kind of chatter. There'll definitely be a lot more batting, to say the least ;;

This blog may well become a daily idea-for-a-film diary. It'd be the most accurate way to capture in writing my day-to-day experience, which I guess is what a blog really is at the end of the day. It might be useful. It might just be something to embarassingly look back on. I'm cool with that though, I do it all the time. Just wondering, do I own any creative ideas I may write down in this archive of ramblings, or could someone pop online and steal many of the what I promise to be incredible things I come up with?

I heard an interesting thing today too. Basically, it's encouraged me to get to grips with what is happening in the world outside of entertainment and the like. But reading the papers today [and granted they consisted of The Sun and The Express], all i've taken from that is the world's second best restaurant is in Berkshire. Surely though, no one wants to go eat at a place that has been globally recognised as coming second? Either way, i'm forcing myself to pay more attention, as I dont want to turn up at uni and have everyone realise my ignorance.
/ I'm going to study art, and maybe it's about the time I commit to the 'artist' stereotype. In which case i'm going to continue to bury my head in the sand, and literally bury my head in sand as my next piece. And wear more waistcoats. And i'll throw a whacky 'y' in my name somewhere, and just go by that, no surname.

Uh? Oh, my list of films to see, if you're in anyway interested. It currently looks a little something like this:

The Hannah Montana Movie

I dig it, the girl can sing. And who doesnt love an 80s-esque switcheroo screwball comedy?

I think though that if I could only see one film this year, it'd be Transformers 2. It's just hands-down entertainment. I'd probably walk away wanting to buy a motorbike too.


It's like I get to a point when writing that I cant even remember the purpose of this entry. This format is so self-indulgent it's crazy. But as I know so few people are actually aware of this for now, I have a little time to continue to literally announce things that are only interesting/related to me. For me, it's just like an extended Facebook status. I have something to say that makes me very cool in my opinion, but no one really cares.
And then statuses that include at least 2 lols [with the obligatory finale lol] get commented until the cows come home. Always the double lol.

No analogies today, folks. I'm feeling pretty good. I'm okay.
I guess that's what this functions as too. Therapy. I'll talk forever about myself if I know someone's listening, and this way I can always assume they are.

May I

May May afford me:

More 'Sunny Day's Out'
New shoes
Finally seeing The Brothers Bloom, somehow
Joe writing his letter
Market Gate
A sense of direction, and with that, a smile.

Something else, also terrible.

Cloverfield is the ultimate filmmmmm.
Even now, whenever I see Clovie for the first time in a viewing, I still get chills.
I wonder if we could write in a substantially-sized aquatic monster from the farthest depths of the ocean into our film set in Grove, Joe?
That could well be the 'ridiculous' side story i'm desperate for.
Imagine the songs we could pick for those scenes, too.

I'm definitely going to spend the rest of my time working on anything film based, doing the odd drawing for people, and occasionally myself, here and there. Drawings I do should be film based too though, like trying to capture something cinematic about our location. But, i'm not sure what we have in mind will require anything too visually captivating. It's mostly going to be two people chatting. We might throw some van Sant in there, but the film's heart is in its story. Which means I do need to commit to the writing stage of the process and that's a little daunting.

Actually though, i'm not even sure Joe wants to do it anymore. Something about it being too unoriginal? Which means I can write my sitcom! Or we can plan our podcast!

I think that with the world we live in now ie. the fact we have the internet, and therefore constant exposure to stories of success and 'making it' in the entertainment industry, we forget that it really is such a small percentage of all effort towards such that we do hear about. With whatever I think of now creatively, I want it to be this amazing, original, revolutionary concept that will earn me recognition. I cant help it, and it plagues me, as now i'm too afraid to even do anything in fear of wasting time or it not being this elusive 'great' idea i'm chasing. I forget that it is very likely that I have so much time for 'getting somewhere', and that once i'm at uni, I wont really think about it as i'll be creating new things - although forced and necessary - and so it really is just the fact that I hate the idea that i've completed wasted my year that makes me so desperate to do devise this amazing thing. But it's this desperation that makes it even harder. It happens probably daily. I'll be thinking about things I could be doing, going through loads of ideas, but afraid to follow any up or even write any down in my frustration with their inferiority. At uni, it should be fine, as i'll be doing work contributing to something, I have an end goal. Plus, I should be much more inspired there. I'm such an end goal person. The way I see it, i've been going at full speed for such a long time, working my way through all these different short term tasks, being able to see my immeadiate direction ahead. Now, it's like i've been running through the thick forest, never seeing ahead, and have suddenly escpaed the trees only to find a sheer drop, a cliff edge, looking out to an expansive ocean or space that I need to reach and fill in some way. And it's completely up to me how I go about doing that. It's the complete contrast to what i've been used to. That terrifies me. For such a long time it's just like i've been sitting there looking out at the expansive space, my legs dangling over the edge, but i've been too scared and/or lazy to engage with it.
Now, that is in the film.


Right, I just need to finish this one drawing i'm currently on as i've said that i'd do it for someone, and then I can get to work on the rest of my life.

Squirrel

14

The number times I reckon i've whacked the kettle on boil today, just to give me some false sense that i'm doing something with my time. The issue is the fact that I never return to fix myself some coffee or whatever.

It's like in that split second, I find comfort in the fact I have maybe 3 minutes to wait for the boil. That's what i'll be doing next, making a lovely cup of coffee for myself. So for those 3 minutes i'm happy, I know exactly what i'm doing next, and I dont have to worry about actually sitting down and thinking about what I could be and should be doing. Short term relief suits me like I cant even describe. When I need to make a car journey, i'm happy cause there's literally nothing else I can do [ie. worry about my life] whilst i'm driving. When I go to work, I know I have a number of hours where i've been employed to actually do something and thus I cant get out of it. Or, more that I dont have to worry about doing anything else for that time because I have no other choice. Sitting at home, yeah, I have a bucnh of choices.

I then usually find some reason to leave the room before its boiled and only really remember what's happened when I next return to click the kettle on once more. And yeah, i'd say there's a good chance the exact same set of events takes place.

It just seems like a great analogy for a possible life I face. I could easily fall into a pattern of always clicking on the kettle, but then leaving the room without seeing things through to the boil. I might find something that I feel is good for the time being, it gives me something to do whilst only having to worry about the immeadiate future, but wont make me that cup of coffee I so desperately seek cause i'll never let myself get remotely near to that place, nor do I think i'll even look ahead hopefully for it. I wont even get the milk out.

Right now I cant see it, but maybe a day'll come that i'm standing with a spoon in one hand and the milk in the other, coffee already in the cup ready to be made a reality, with the moment perfectly scored by the nearby boil of water.
Or something less self-absorbed and neurotic.


Today was not all bad, however. Sketch coming soon.

Where the wild things aren't.

Big things need to happen before I leave in September.

2 guys, a girl and a bus.
Working title I reck', but so bad that it doesnt warrant any kind of dressing up grammatically.
I've read that the best comedies don't reach for the cleverest of titles, and instead sometimes literally describing what you're about to see can get people in seats. This is a comedy.

The thing is, I think we could easily write something if I could just be bothered to sit down and maybe do terribly from the get go. The story's there though. And maybe not one that should be told, but definitely could be told.

I'm going to be creating [hopefully] an archive of daily posts of my cryptic musings, drawings and photos. Basically, i'm going to properly blog.
Please don't accuse me of short-changing you [see the title of this post].

Your good day begins here.

Please, if I ever make a film, score it for me Ben.

http://stereogum.com/archives/tour-dates/new-death-cab-for-cutie-little-bribes-stereogum-pr_060281.html

Off to work - T [Tobias]

Also.
Arrested Development.
Scout it out.

Getting my Buck Rogers on.

Thought i'd finally embrace all this stuff.
Granted, the gun fired a while ago.