Tuesday, 5 May 2009

J is for Arrogance

Two things i've thought about tonight.
Well, they came to mind. And I thought i'd save analysing them 'til I got onto here.

The first could be the very thing that'll drive me to where I want to be, doing what I want to be doing, which is being successful in the field of arts and entertainment. Now, i'm careful not to say that I want to become 'famous' or a household name as I trully do not. I simply would like to work in this field which is by its nature very consumer/audience driven, with film in particular carrying people that are well-recognised for their endeavors. I guess my point here was if I ever got to a place where I was creating things for the public eye, my name may be known. Now I understand this is completely self-indulgent and arrogant, but that is surely what blogging is all about. And it's what im all about too, so it fits. This all comes from me working on commissioned drawings etc. for people that'll end up with a 'Jack Cullis' piece of work, a name that doesn't mean much right now. I just think the idea of someone like that recognising my name from something I might do in the future and realising its the same person that did that little drawing they've kept from back in the way back is something that could really drive me to try my very best to get to where I want to be. Maybe that sentence makes no sense, this is simply a thought I had that i'm now realising is hard to write about and is only making me come off as an egotistical, conceited bastard. But I think the idea of getting to a place where you're successful enough in the media for people you used to know/came into contact with at some point recognising your name and seeing where you've got to would excite anyone really. I think it’s all to do with my wanting to leave my mark on this world in my the very little time I have to do so. People can do it in many ways. Maybe I will eventually get to do the more important influential things you read about all the time, but whilst I remain a coward this seems to be an almost feasible means for me to let people know I was here. I guess it sounds like I want to get one over people I currently know now that I may potentially lose contact with some time or another, but it's really not that. In such cases, these people will be referenced in my movies. And hopefully they’ll realize.
That’s a joke! I’m a nice guy, I swear.

I really am an arrogant bastard for someone who’s done so little with his life so far. Or maybe I’m just trying to sound cool where I would otherwise not be able to i.e. outside of this blog. I’m pushing it even within the realm of this pathetic platform. But it’s all I’ve got, so entertain me for the duration of this entry.

[obligatory cheeky reference to Kayte can be found here, Kayte]

I’ve actually taken a massive break between getting that first point out and starting to make this second one. And they’re not really ‘points’, just thoughts I wanted to share, but mostly done for my own benefit, throwing them out there and contemplating them as physical ideas in front of me – they seem easier to tackle this way, and it really feels like I’m cleaning out my head of all the dramatic, significant and magnificent things I think about all day. This way I can get back to doing nothing, really. But I guess my point here [and it is a point in this case] is that during this break I made a phone call and continued to chat about all my stuff [albeit much more juvenile in orientation and thus hilarious]. Even after that I feel refreshed having chatted about myself in some way or another, which is a horrible notion – that I need to go on and on about things that are perhaps only interesting to me in order to get by – but it seems to do me well. I think I just like the idea that there’s someone listening, that I’m leaving my mark somehow, on even just one person. I think I’m just terrified of being engulfed by the infinite nature of our world, not knowing how I could possibly find significance for myself, not only in my eyes but those of others too. I guess it’s why I’m such an audience guy, why I get a kick out of making people laugh or being recognized as to have created something positive. It’s quiet arrogance. Polite arrogance. Arrogance that may actually force positive things in how it needs to be satisfied. Or maybe this is arrogant, dressing up my arrogance? Maybe I need a new word?

The idea I was trying to get across in the above was simply that I don’t even feel like I need to go on and on about the mysterious ‘2nd thought’ that I have previously teed up. I had planned to jump straight into it following the first, as they seemed to nicely link. But it’s like I’m satisfied with the extent of my self-indulgence [thesaurus needed, please] and self-pity that I’m cool not shouting about it i.e. there’s enough here for you lot to be getting on with!

It was just going to be about the idea of being in a creative field and being famous, whether you are a filmmaker who aims to tell original, true-to-life stories or a musician trying to write music that the everyday person can relate to etc, and how it wouldn’t really work once you became a massive household name. You can no longer live a ‘normal’ everyday life nor experience the world in a manner your audience does, so can no longer create anything that could be accessible to them. It’s my opinion, and I guess I’m saying if it were me I’d just be creating for a hypothetical audience’s reaction, but I cant believe that that’s not a big part of it for these people. Which brings me right back to the start of this whole thing, with me defending my desire to not become ‘famous’.

But fame can come from anywhere, not just within the entertainment industry. And for example, if I ever made a revolutionary, influential and relevant scientific discovery that broke the very foundations of what we once understood of the world, I’d want a bloody pat on the back.
I’ll probably see how far making the funnies goes for now though.

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