Wednesday, 27 May 2009





...holy awkward.

Tuesday, 26 May 2009

Monday, 25 May 2009

# 19

Hi. How are you?

I haven't done this for a while, and having just suddenly remembered that this was becoming sort of a good daily exercise for me, I thought i'd quickly jump on and try to get some stuff out before I fell deeper into the classic blog-free lifestyle I had reaquainted with. 'Blog-schmog' i'd cry, if this post had not been inspired by the tortured existence fate has handed me, and my stupid little life.

Ok, so I may be running out of ideas and just trying to re-tell the cliched blogisms now an amalgamated internet history of whines and diatribes of an incredibly unimportant, insignificant collective when you think about it, with false ideas of an audience whose ears are found so close to the doors of their souls. I'm doing it again. But it's amazing to think that on this even more amazing creation, one that has touched the lives of such a massive percentage of those alive or recently dead, the internet, lies an ever-increasing stockpile of, to the authors, the most revolutionary and momentous notions and statements ever captured and declared [probably full of trigger happy writers when it came to their use of commas]. When it comes down to it, all this crap isn’t really the most significant stuff you could ever read, no matter what the writers think, or even regardless of the quality of the material itself. First of all, who’s to say what is important and what isn’t? One man’s Godfather is another man’s The Mummy 3: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. But my chief point was that it doesn’t matter how great what these individuals are saying is, simply because it cannot possibly reach enough of a widespread audience to even make a difference. Sure, they’ll be some people listening. But how much time would you give yourself to listen to a complete stranger? And more importantly, in this medium, it’s so rare you’d come across one you’d decide to follow and see how its ideas evolve over another. And another thought I’ve had is that those people lucky enough to have some followers, they’re most likely people the authors know already in real life, and so have probably heard a lot of these ideas beforehand anyway. We, myself included of course, seem to think that everything we type, swiftly locked in the vault of the internet, can and will reach the masses, as that is our original intention for writing, no? We seem to think that only we can deliver to the everyday member of our planet’s huge population these ideas, and moreover, that they are better off for them. At the end of the day, we’re all human. Which I feel means we all pretty much have the same experiences and feelings as result of slightly different situations. So basically, everyone has the same ideas. What I’m saying, it’s been thought before, is being thought of now and will probably continue to strike many others in deep thought in the future. These are all my opinions, of course. But I doubt there are nearly enough people reading to kick off about it.

A whole mass of supposed genius is effectively lost to the endless and ever-growing archives of the www. Quite a depressing thought really. All of these hand crafted streams of wisdom and enormity more often than not forgotten just as soon as they bloom. All of this evidence of existence of the lives of so many never really hits home to the extent that it is acknowledged. It’s like there’s this whole crowd of people crying out, and no one’s listening. Perhaps it’s a shared cry, but who’s to deny anyone their right to reach out? Even if I see a lot of what is written as redundant, repetitive and recycled [not excluding anything I have ever, or will ever, say], it all means something to someone. And as I have said, because we all live such different lives in terms of the way they play out in the day to day, there might be an aspect to a specific thought another person has had and has shared that, whilst overlooked by many, really hits hard for even one individual.Surely that makes all the difference. Someone’s listening.

The possibilities for that make this a worthwhile exercise. I do try my best not to get too involved with how I am writing about what I am feeling, meaning that I want this blog to retain focus on the ideas and feelings I have themselves, not my ability to sophisticatedly/interestingly/entertainingly write about them. I think I use this to just try to work out some of what’s going on in my head in a physical way, so to provide me with clearer thought/vision. It’s much more a stream of consciousness than anything else. How it reads is pretty much straight from my head. I see it as aspects of my reality captured so to live forever, almost. Maybe it’s my inability to deal with the fact this’ll all end soon. Maybe I’m just trying to finally put some stuff to bed so I can get on with my day, and more importantly, my life. But, maybe I do this as there is every chance someone’s listening, and that I am doing everything I feel I can at the moment to make a difference. I don’t do this to create a persona for myself that is not recognized in reality. I don’t do this to come off as an all-knowing, oh-so significant thinker of my generation, where I feel everything I say has to be told, and moreover, accepted and learnt from. But, maybe I do do this to try and convince myself that I am of more significance than I personally rate myself as, but only in terms of my own life, not with regards to those of others. Maybe it doesn’t matter that so many others potentially share what I feel, as it is what I feel. It is mine. We shouldn’t have to strive to only create that which is original and thus significant, as everything a person feels is significant, as it is important to them – and they have created it. Surely that’s the only thing we should measure what we think and feel by?

In which case, every single captured notion we come across is as significant as any other. I think it’s very rarely that a ‘blogger’ uses this medium to generate false superiority for them in terms of how others perceive them. It just people like myself that feel they have something valid and constructive to say. It may help one person, but that is all that matters. And we can’t judge that. We can’t stop that. I think such entries are more for the writers’ benefits than anyone else, to aid them in getting through such a complicated existence and being. I guess what I am doing is trying to justify why I do this, but, again, I don’t need to. It has value for me and that is all that matters.

This has all stemmed from thinking today about how I tend to always dress up everything I live through and feel as so much more dramatic than it is, and in addition, twist it into something so far from what I want from my life so that I am constantly disappointed and unfulfilled. Always looking over the fence for what I could have for myself. Maybe I try to create this dramatic history for myself so that I have something to look back on and drive myself to everything I want to achieve. Maybe I do that to make more of something than what it was, to convince myself that I am truly living. I think that I just don’t let myself ever feel happy as then it’s like I’ve got everything I need, I’ve achieved the goal of life and so there’s nothing left. The infinite possibility of life scares me; I feel that there’s so much I could achieve that I cant ever settle for a moment, enjoy what I have and simply make peace with that which I don’t, just accept the decisions I’ve made and where I am. It’s just hit me that life’s as much about finding that which makes you truly happy as it is about holding onto it with both hands. As it turns out, I am perfectly happy. That’s not to stop me going out there to try and get the things I want to generate further happiness and fulfillment, but it’s also something I should not avoid. I should dwell in it, relish it, savour it before it’s too late. Things will come in the future, I’m sure, but I shouldn’t let that trouble me. “I just wish you wouldn’t beat yourself up about irrelevant stuff,” someone told me tonight. I wish I wouldn’t too. I shouldn’t get annoyed about that I do not have.
And the more I think about it, the more I write now, or could write in the future, the more I long for real life. For human interaction. To no longer analyse my life, and what I don’t have, but to enjoy that which I am lucky enough to have. To ‘live’ my happiness, not downplay it as the prelude to everything I could have or plot how to make it more significant than it is. We blog for ourselves, but that shouldn’t be it. If no one is really listening, you should get out there and damn make sure they do. I intend to. By that I mean take stock of what you have, and I bet you find you are perfectly happy. We do this by living our lives, interacting with our surroundings of society and nature, helping out where we can in anyway we can, and generally doing our darndest to ensure the happiness of others too.
There’s only so much you can do from your computer.

Tuesday, 19 May 2009


I know.

I know!

Sunday, 17 May 2009

Late Night Sauna.

Lottery film idea.
Bus film idea.
Finish drawing.
New journal.
Call Bristol.
Train ticket.
Nokia 5800.
New jobbo.
Cornerstone, and
Art work for sale.

Good luck to the girls.

Please forgive this.

Wednesday, 13 May 2009


Okay, so I just really want to say that Sleeping Lessons by The Shins makes me feel like I should be doing something amazing and life-changing with my time. So if I keep listening to it, I should be alright I reckon.

I was maybe going to post a drawing i'm working on atm, but i've decided I want to show it in its finished glory. So for now, i'll post thisssss:

Oh, and mention that Rian Johnson spoke directly to meeeeee!
I'm basically his friend nahhhhhh'.

Saturday, 9 May 2009

Sun Whose Rays Are All Ablaze

Hard to Find.

With the idea of the letter being written sometime during the duration of the night, as the story unfolds, rather than beforehand, we just might have not only a fantastic set up for the ending, but a movie. The only thing left to do is to start writing. Joe?

Tuesday, 5 May 2009

J is for Arrogance

Two things i've thought about tonight.
Well, they came to mind. And I thought i'd save analysing them 'til I got onto here.

The first could be the very thing that'll drive me to where I want to be, doing what I want to be doing, which is being successful in the field of arts and entertainment. Now, i'm careful not to say that I want to become 'famous' or a household name as I trully do not. I simply would like to work in this field which is by its nature very consumer/audience driven, with film in particular carrying people that are well-recognised for their endeavors. I guess my point here was if I ever got to a place where I was creating things for the public eye, my name may be known. Now I understand this is completely self-indulgent and arrogant, but that is surely what blogging is all about. And it's what im all about too, so it fits. This all comes from me working on commissioned drawings etc. for people that'll end up with a 'Jack Cullis' piece of work, a name that doesn't mean much right now. I just think the idea of someone like that recognising my name from something I might do in the future and realising its the same person that did that little drawing they've kept from back in the way back is something that could really drive me to try my very best to get to where I want to be. Maybe that sentence makes no sense, this is simply a thought I had that i'm now realising is hard to write about and is only making me come off as an egotistical, conceited bastard. But I think the idea of getting to a place where you're successful enough in the media for people you used to know/came into contact with at some point recognising your name and seeing where you've got to would excite anyone really. I think it’s all to do with my wanting to leave my mark on this world in my the very little time I have to do so. People can do it in many ways. Maybe I will eventually get to do the more important influential things you read about all the time, but whilst I remain a coward this seems to be an almost feasible means for me to let people know I was here. I guess it sounds like I want to get one over people I currently know now that I may potentially lose contact with some time or another, but it's really not that. In such cases, these people will be referenced in my movies. And hopefully they’ll realize.
That’s a joke! I’m a nice guy, I swear.

I really am an arrogant bastard for someone who’s done so little with his life so far. Or maybe I’m just trying to sound cool where I would otherwise not be able to i.e. outside of this blog. I’m pushing it even within the realm of this pathetic platform. But it’s all I’ve got, so entertain me for the duration of this entry.

[obligatory cheeky reference to Kayte can be found here, Kayte]

I’ve actually taken a massive break between getting that first point out and starting to make this second one. And they’re not really ‘points’, just thoughts I wanted to share, but mostly done for my own benefit, throwing them out there and contemplating them as physical ideas in front of me – they seem easier to tackle this way, and it really feels like I’m cleaning out my head of all the dramatic, significant and magnificent things I think about all day. This way I can get back to doing nothing, really. But I guess my point here [and it is a point in this case] is that during this break I made a phone call and continued to chat about all my stuff [albeit much more juvenile in orientation and thus hilarious]. Even after that I feel refreshed having chatted about myself in some way or another, which is a horrible notion – that I need to go on and on about things that are perhaps only interesting to me in order to get by – but it seems to do me well. I think I just like the idea that there’s someone listening, that I’m leaving my mark somehow, on even just one person. I think I’m just terrified of being engulfed by the infinite nature of our world, not knowing how I could possibly find significance for myself, not only in my eyes but those of others too. I guess it’s why I’m such an audience guy, why I get a kick out of making people laugh or being recognized as to have created something positive. It’s quiet arrogance. Polite arrogance. Arrogance that may actually force positive things in how it needs to be satisfied. Or maybe this is arrogant, dressing up my arrogance? Maybe I need a new word?

The idea I was trying to get across in the above was simply that I don’t even feel like I need to go on and on about the mysterious ‘2nd thought’ that I have previously teed up. I had planned to jump straight into it following the first, as they seemed to nicely link. But it’s like I’m satisfied with the extent of my self-indulgence [thesaurus needed, please] and self-pity that I’m cool not shouting about it i.e. there’s enough here for you lot to be getting on with!

It was just going to be about the idea of being in a creative field and being famous, whether you are a filmmaker who aims to tell original, true-to-life stories or a musician trying to write music that the everyday person can relate to etc, and how it wouldn’t really work once you became a massive household name. You can no longer live a ‘normal’ everyday life nor experience the world in a manner your audience does, so can no longer create anything that could be accessible to them. It’s my opinion, and I guess I’m saying if it were me I’d just be creating for a hypothetical audience’s reaction, but I cant believe that that’s not a big part of it for these people. Which brings me right back to the start of this whole thing, with me defending my desire to not become ‘famous’.

But fame can come from anywhere, not just within the entertainment industry. And for example, if I ever made a revolutionary, influential and relevant scientific discovery that broke the very foundations of what we once understood of the world, I’d want a bloody pat on the back.
I’ll probably see how far making the funnies goes for now though.

Sounds good. And. This compared with a few nights ago. I way prefer it. Simpler. More focussed.

Monday, 4 May 2009

I'm afraid I just Bloomed myself.

I'm getting somewhere. Will probs go to Ox to buy some new shoes tomorrow, Joe's written something, and I have officially seen some of Bloom. It might only be it's opening, but it's damn interesting and i'm going to count it. Forget Wes Anderson, this is Rian Johnson.

My list of films to see and buy this year keeps getting longer. 500 Days of Summer really looks amazing; if I got into the business of making films like itself for the rest of my life, i'd be extremely happy. Not your all-out romcom, not your all-out indie quirk-fest with unconventionality on the side, it seems to sit nicely and comfortably some place in the middle. I think i'd like to write such stories, create such characters, using them to perhaps revisit some of the mistakes i've made in my own life. Or, to take moments directly from experience and be able to score them or soundtrack them exactly how I have imagined since. I'm real keen on the off-beat romcom, where it is romantic and it is funny, but it's just not so easy to swallow, you dont know who to back, and where you really have no idea where it could go. I guess I have more to say but i'm not too set in mind about anything yet. All I strive for is for what is now a hazy vision of a romantic, off-beat, quirky-but-not-too-much, comical, captivating, dramatic, excellent-looking-and-sounding, stylsed, from-life, charming, thought-provoking, long-living film. I'll use that list as the working title. Me and my mannn already have a few ideas we're batting around so maybe there's more to come of this kind of chatter. There'll definitely be a lot more batting, to say the least ;;

This blog may well become a daily idea-for-a-film diary. It'd be the most accurate way to capture in writing my day-to-day experience, which I guess is what a blog really is at the end of the day. It might be useful. It might just be something to embarassingly look back on. I'm cool with that though, I do it all the time. Just wondering, do I own any creative ideas I may write down in this archive of ramblings, or could someone pop online and steal many of the what I promise to be incredible things I come up with?

I heard an interesting thing today too. Basically, it's encouraged me to get to grips with what is happening in the world outside of entertainment and the like. But reading the papers today [and granted they consisted of The Sun and The Express], all i've taken from that is the world's second best restaurant is in Berkshire. Surely though, no one wants to go eat at a place that has been globally recognised as coming second? Either way, i'm forcing myself to pay more attention, as I dont want to turn up at uni and have everyone realise my ignorance.
/ I'm going to study art, and maybe it's about the time I commit to the 'artist' stereotype. In which case i'm going to continue to bury my head in the sand, and literally bury my head in sand as my next piece. And wear more waistcoats. And i'll throw a whacky 'y' in my name somewhere, and just go by that, no surname.

Uh? Oh, my list of films to see, if you're in anyway interested. It currently looks a little something like this:

The Hannah Montana Movie

I dig it, the girl can sing. And who doesnt love an 80s-esque switcheroo screwball comedy?

I think though that if I could only see one film this year, it'd be Transformers 2. It's just hands-down entertainment. I'd probably walk away wanting to buy a motorbike too.

It's like I get to a point when writing that I cant even remember the purpose of this entry. This format is so self-indulgent it's crazy. But as I know so few people are actually aware of this for now, I have a little time to continue to literally announce things that are only interesting/related to me. For me, it's just like an extended Facebook status. I have something to say that makes me very cool in my opinion, but no one really cares.
And then statuses that include at least 2 lols [with the obligatory finale lol] get commented until the cows come home. Always the double lol.

No analogies today, folks. I'm feeling pretty good. I'm okay.
I guess that's what this functions as too. Therapy. I'll talk forever about myself if I know someone's listening, and this way I can always assume they are.

Friday, 1 May 2009

May I

May May afford me:

More 'Sunny Day's Out'
New shoes
Finally seeing The Brothers Bloom, somehow
Joe writing his letter
Market Gate
A sense of direction, and with that, a smile.

Something else, also terrible.

Cloverfield is the ultimate filmmmmm.
Even now, whenever I see Clovie for the first time in a viewing, I still get chills.
I wonder if we could write in a substantially-sized aquatic monster from the farthest depths of the ocean into our film set in Grove, Joe?
That could well be the 'ridiculous' side story i'm desperate for.
Imagine the songs we could pick for those scenes, too.

I'm definitely going to spend the rest of my time working on anything film based, doing the odd drawing for people, and occasionally myself, here and there. Drawings I do should be film based too though, like trying to capture something cinematic about our location. But, i'm not sure what we have in mind will require anything too visually captivating. It's mostly going to be two people chatting. We might throw some van Sant in there, but the film's heart is in its story. Which means I do need to commit to the writing stage of the process and that's a little daunting.

Actually though, i'm not even sure Joe wants to do it anymore. Something about it being too unoriginal? Which means I can write my sitcom! Or we can plan our podcast!

I think that with the world we live in now ie. the fact we have the internet, and therefore constant exposure to stories of success and 'making it' in the entertainment industry, we forget that it really is such a small percentage of all effort towards such that we do hear about. With whatever I think of now creatively, I want it to be this amazing, original, revolutionary concept that will earn me recognition. I cant help it, and it plagues me, as now i'm too afraid to even do anything in fear of wasting time or it not being this elusive 'great' idea i'm chasing. I forget that it is very likely that I have so much time for 'getting somewhere', and that once i'm at uni, I wont really think about it as i'll be creating new things - although forced and necessary - and so it really is just the fact that I hate the idea that i've completed wasted my year that makes me so desperate to do devise this amazing thing. But it's this desperation that makes it even harder. It happens probably daily. I'll be thinking about things I could be doing, going through loads of ideas, but afraid to follow any up or even write any down in my frustration with their inferiority. At uni, it should be fine, as i'll be doing work contributing to something, I have an end goal. Plus, I should be much more inspired there. I'm such an end goal person. The way I see it, i've been going at full speed for such a long time, working my way through all these different short term tasks, being able to see my immeadiate direction ahead. Now, it's like i've been running through the thick forest, never seeing ahead, and have suddenly escpaed the trees only to find a sheer drop, a cliff edge, looking out to an expansive ocean or space that I need to reach and fill in some way. And it's completely up to me how I go about doing that. It's the complete contrast to what i've been used to. That terrifies me. For such a long time it's just like i've been sitting there looking out at the expansive space, my legs dangling over the edge, but i've been too scared and/or lazy to engage with it.
Now, that is in the film.

Right, I just need to finish this one drawing i'm currently on as i've said that i'd do it for someone, and then I can get to work on the rest of my life.