Friday, 30 October 2009

Smiles away

Everything's changed.
I was happy, but not correctly. And I knew I was making the mistakes, but didn't do anything about them as it didn't feel like I needed to - I was happy, comfortable and enjoying my life for once - why did I need to question that? For times like right now, that's why. I guess I never acknowledged that that part of my life would come to an end, and thus did not prepare myself with a solution, nor mentally brace myself for the worst.

And now i'm suffering because of it. This is really bad. It's made everything into one big faceless problem, which seems completely unapproachable.
What do I do?
Do I pull a Tom Oak [such an obscure reference, apologies]? Do I stick it out? Forget the girl for a second, still what do I do? I need to make a decision for me, as i'd still be in this mess even if things were good otherwise. But maybe not?

It's brought everything into question. I'm not too strong in the first place, imagine just how this has taken me down. Which is what it has literally done.

Now, the filmic side of me expects a montage to come soon of me re-assembling my life, getting back on track, all to the tune of an upbeat, high energy and optimistic song. Which I guess is what's happened being at home these few days. I've had 2 very important and useful conversations with 2 very important and useful people.
The realistic side of me, however, hardly expects that to happen. I need to smash my mindset and re-assemble that before anything can get better, and I just dont know how.

Cut to: today. It's been horrible again. The more I think about what I should be doing, the less I end up doing anything. My creative mojo has gone. Everything i'm praised to being has disappeared, so dont hold me in to high regard, folks. I'm pretty rubb' these days.
I'm struggling to see the point in most things, and am completely overwhelmed by nostalgia.
A lovely word. It's the word-equivalent of a femme-fatale, strutting around in heels and some form of animal draped around her body.

So what do I do? This feels like a major point in my life. It could be a turning point, one that could go either way. This could revitalise me, or destroy me.
The jury's out on that one.

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