"I read your blog, and it doesn't make any sense."
Oh, you crazy German, Chris.
Saturday 31 October 2009
Joke Cullis
It's got to the stage where I cant even trust my own mind anymore. I think that i'd like to be a filmmaker, but worry that it's too idealistic. I'm not sure if this feeling is that feeling you get when you realise what you want to be, or just like a child saying they want to be a footballer or Leona Lewis when they grow up...that is how unsure of myself I have gotten.
Am I still the kid, or am I a mature adult, making informed decisions and going with their instinct; if it feels right, I should just pursue it, yeah?
I'm asking myself to find something else to follow, knowing I will always have this film passion to fall back on. But that's just it: is it just a passion? I am incapable of determining what aspects of my personality and interests should be kept as just that, interests, and which should be pursued as potential careers where I could realise my potential and be happy. I guess the ultimate feeling of success is doing your hobby for a living. Which for me then would be getting a wage for sitting round and debating every single move I make, however small or magnificent, the way it's going at the moment.
Philosophy maybe?
Judge me, I need opinions if i'm going to get anywhere.
Am I still the kid, or am I a mature adult, making informed decisions and going with their instinct; if it feels right, I should just pursue it, yeah?
I'm asking myself to find something else to follow, knowing I will always have this film passion to fall back on. But that's just it: is it just a passion? I am incapable of determining what aspects of my personality and interests should be kept as just that, interests, and which should be pursued as potential careers where I could realise my potential and be happy. I guess the ultimate feeling of success is doing your hobby for a living. Which for me then would be getting a wage for sitting round and debating every single move I make, however small or magnificent, the way it's going at the moment.
Philosophy maybe?
Judge me, I need opinions if i'm going to get anywhere.
Friday 30 October 2009
Smiles away
Everything's changed.
I was happy, but not correctly. And I knew I was making the mistakes, but didn't do anything about them as it didn't feel like I needed to - I was happy, comfortable and enjoying my life for once - why did I need to question that? For times like right now, that's why. I guess I never acknowledged that that part of my life would come to an end, and thus did not prepare myself with a solution, nor mentally brace myself for the worst.
And now i'm suffering because of it. This is really bad. It's made everything into one big faceless problem, which seems completely unapproachable.
What do I do?
Do I pull a Tom Oak [such an obscure reference, apologies]? Do I stick it out? Forget the girl for a second, still what do I do? I need to make a decision for me, as i'd still be in this mess even if things were good otherwise. But maybe not?
It's brought everything into question. I'm not too strong in the first place, imagine just how this has taken me down. Which is what it has literally done.
Now, the filmic side of me expects a montage to come soon of me re-assembling my life, getting back on track, all to the tune of an upbeat, high energy and optimistic song. Which I guess is what's happened being at home these few days. I've had 2 very important and useful conversations with 2 very important and useful people.
The realistic side of me, however, hardly expects that to happen. I need to smash my mindset and re-assemble that before anything can get better, and I just dont know how.
Cut to: today. It's been horrible again. The more I think about what I should be doing, the less I end up doing anything. My creative mojo has gone. Everything i'm praised to being has disappeared, so dont hold me in to high regard, folks. I'm pretty rubb' these days.
I'm struggling to see the point in most things, and am completely overwhelmed by nostalgia.
A lovely word. It's the word-equivalent of a femme-fatale, strutting around in heels and some form of animal draped around her body.
So what do I do? This feels like a major point in my life. It could be a turning point, one that could go either way. This could revitalise me, or destroy me.
The jury's out on that one.
I was happy, but not correctly. And I knew I was making the mistakes, but didn't do anything about them as it didn't feel like I needed to - I was happy, comfortable and enjoying my life for once - why did I need to question that? For times like right now, that's why. I guess I never acknowledged that that part of my life would come to an end, and thus did not prepare myself with a solution, nor mentally brace myself for the worst.
And now i'm suffering because of it. This is really bad. It's made everything into one big faceless problem, which seems completely unapproachable.
What do I do?
Do I pull a Tom Oak [such an obscure reference, apologies]? Do I stick it out? Forget the girl for a second, still what do I do? I need to make a decision for me, as i'd still be in this mess even if things were good otherwise. But maybe not?
It's brought everything into question. I'm not too strong in the first place, imagine just how this has taken me down. Which is what it has literally done.
Now, the filmic side of me expects a montage to come soon of me re-assembling my life, getting back on track, all to the tune of an upbeat, high energy and optimistic song. Which I guess is what's happened being at home these few days. I've had 2 very important and useful conversations with 2 very important and useful people.
The realistic side of me, however, hardly expects that to happen. I need to smash my mindset and re-assemble that before anything can get better, and I just dont know how.
Cut to: today. It's been horrible again. The more I think about what I should be doing, the less I end up doing anything. My creative mojo has gone. Everything i'm praised to being has disappeared, so dont hold me in to high regard, folks. I'm pretty rubb' these days.
I'm struggling to see the point in most things, and am completely overwhelmed by nostalgia.
A lovely word. It's the word-equivalent of a femme-fatale, strutting around in heels and some form of animal draped around her body.
So what do I do? This feels like a major point in my life. It could be a turning point, one that could go either way. This could revitalise me, or destroy me.
The jury's out on that one.
Thursday 29 October 2009
Drag Me To Hell
Maybe i'm a terrible person, but sometimes it's really hard to take suggestions of how 'it could be worse' from people, because although that is definitely the case, it's completely unavoidable at any stage of your life, and if you let that get you down, then you truly will not get anywhere. It doesn't change the fact that you're still in your mess of a situation, and that it still needs sorting out, even if you are looking at it from a different viewpoint. Yes, there'll always be people worse off than you, but without ever knowing the reality of those situations, I think that being consumed in depression by your own messy situation is certainly valid and acceptable. It is not until you experience this 'could be worse' for yourself that you can then look upon a 'lesser' problem more positively and approach it more effectively, as then yes, it could be worse. You know that for a fact.
Wednesday 28 October 2009
Dashboard Confessional, Something Corporate, Jack's Mannequin, McFly, New Found Glory, Panic at the Disco
The Shins, The Starting Line, Dashboard Confessional, Death Cab For Cutie
Panic at the Disco, Death Cab For Cutie, Jack's Mannequin
Mae, Death Cab For Cutie, Person L, New Found Glory
Frightened Rabbit, Johnny Flynn and the Sussex Wit, Mumford & Sons, Dashboard Confessional, Noah and the Whale
2006-2009.
The Shins, The Starting Line, Dashboard Confessional, Death Cab For Cutie
Panic at the Disco, Death Cab For Cutie, Jack's Mannequin
Mae, Death Cab For Cutie, Person L, New Found Glory
Frightened Rabbit, Johnny Flynn and the Sussex Wit, Mumford & Sons, Dashboard Confessional, Noah and the Whale
2006-2009.
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